It first came to light in 2014 that in the 1980s a teacher had exploited the trust of the children admiring him and sexually abused them at his apartment after school, in the summer camps he led, and later at his workplace, when he created children’s television programs. The victims started to speak after 25 years of silence. One of them, Mihály Kováts, speaks about the abuse he suffered in the documentary Return to Epipo, which is available on HBO Go and will be shown at Verzió Online Documentary Festival (accessible only from Hungary). The story and the film are much more than the narrative of an aggressor’s deeds. But to avoid more such cases, we must face the truth and understand the relationship between abuser and victim, and then based on this change the system so that no opportunity presents itself to commit such crimes. Dóri Dián interviewed children’s rights expert Szilvia Gyurkó for wmn.hu and collected four important lessons from the Pál Sipos case.
- IN 90% of the cases the abuser is not an aggressive, monstrous person
Dr. Szilvia Gyurkó thinks Return to Epipo is important partly because it shows: the situation of abused children is much more complex than being around a horrible person who hurts them. There are always elements in the relationship the child is grateful for: attention, trust, play. The abuse itself is packed in a way that the child believes: what happened and that they must not speak about it serves the community, and they would only make trouble if they revealed the secret to anyone. Good and bad experiences, abuse and love go hand in hand, they cannot be separated – this is why such cases are so complex, and why it is terribly difficult for the children to experience them.
Moreover, the general stereotype is that perpetrators are rude, violent people in everyday life. In most cases this is not true: in over 90% of the cases of sexual and/or emotional abuse the children trust and feel attached to the perpetrator, who exploits this situation. This is one of the worst things an adult can do to a child: betray their trust in order to satisfy their own desires.
- We must start by creating a safe environment
The expert claims it is extremely difficult to teach children the limits of their bodily integrity. This can best be done by creating an environment that does not tolerate violence, and where the rules are clear and transparent. Unfortunately, in our present system there is ample opportunity for abuse, as these boundaries are not clearly drawn, and professionals working with children are not screened adequately before they start work.
Besides putting the system in order, it is vital to tell the child explicitly what the boundaries of a child-adult relationship are, and how they can say “no” to an adult. In order for the child to be able to tell what happened, there must be adults around them whom they can trust to believe their story. This is what happened to Mihály Kováts, who appears in the documentary and who was the first to speak up in the Epipo case: when he told his parents what had happened to him, they did not doubt his words but tried to help.
- It takes a long time for the victim to be able to talk about what happened
As a child you may not even understand that what an adult is asking you to do is plain abuse or violence, and that it is not OK. Often years must pass before someone realizes they have been abused and exploited, and it takes a lot of work and strength to be able to talk about it. It is a common defense mechanism of the human psyche that traumas or elements of those are deleted or hidden deep inside our brain, and only come to the surface years later. Victims live with this burden and store the memories, unconsciously, in different forms. The method and time period of processing the abuse differs from one person to the next. This is why we must prevent child abuse – what they have experienced stays with them all their lives.
Experts can help process the trauma, there are various methods, some of which are presented in the documentary Return to Epipo. One consequence of the Pál Sipos case coming to light was the amendment of the law: now child sexual abuse does not expire after 25 years.
- It is not only the victims who must should handle these stories
When such cases are exposed, there is widespread social outcry; but besides expressing our anger, we must actively prevent child abuse from happening. It is not only the victims who need to process such cases but also their environment: their parents and friends. They often must face their guilt: “How come I didn’t notice?” “I might have suspected it, why didn’t I do anything?” Not all people can face the truth; some question or relativize the events. We must understand what is behind such reactions: letting such things happen in your immediate environment undermines your own sense of security too.
Processing the abuse is made harder by the fact that perpetrators have good manipulating skills. “It’s impossible, he’s such a nice guy” is a typical reaction. People knowing the perpetrator find it difficult to admit they have been misled. As everyone judges on the basis of their own experiences, they find it hard to accept that child abusers may have normally functioning human relationships with adults.
Every case that is exposed, every openly said sentence, every processed trauma takes us a small step further towards helping the victims and protecting our children.
(Translated by Rita Béres-Deák)
